AP Photo/Eric Jamison

The very dumb Carrie Prejean has dropped her lawsuit against the Miss California Pageant officials.  She was demanding more than a million dollars from the pageant for "religious discrimination."  She and her lawyer believed she was let go due to her anti-gay-marriage babbling.  The pageant maintained that Prejean had been fired for missing scheduled appearances.  In an interesting twist, Prejean dropped her lawsuit.  Reportedly a lawyer for the pageant sat her down and showed her a…wait for it…sex tape that was apparently embarrassing enough for Prejean to decide to shut her face. 

I knew it.  You can't be that stupid and not have allowed somebody to make a sex tape of you.  Allegedly the tape is so "racy" that TMZ won't even post it.  If TMZ thinks something is bad, it must be bad.  I can only assume in her down time that girl likes to go off with 10 guys and an eggplant. 

Albert Michael/startraksphoto.com

In a recent interview, Gossip Girl Blake Lively talked about how much she loves to prank her friends.  She said that she's a real "prankster" and loves to mess with people.  One of her favorites is to "…swipe my friends with, like, my phone or something…I slide it in their butts." I don't really understand the prank, but if I ever run into Blake Lively, someone remind me not to borrow her phone.

Wendy Redfern/Getty Images

Kiefer Sutherland reportedly racked up a huge bar tab before it was even lunch time.  The tab was billed between 7 am and 1 pm.  He didn't do it all himself, although I have no doubt that he is fully capable of doing so.  He and several crew members from 24 stopped into a bar in San Pedro after finishing a shoot nearby.  I don't know what a San Pedro is, but it doesn't sound good.  The bill was $500…all booze.  Apparently he footed the bill and left a nice tip.  I like this story, I like it a lot.  I like that he has the balls to treat his crew to AM drinks, I like that he's a good tipper, and I like that nobody with him was interested in a meal.  I'm going to take this opportunity to invite Mr. Sutherland to stop by Chelsea Lately for an interview.  Please take a cab, but stop by anytime. 

Will Ragozzino?Getty Images

Mischa Barton was reportedly involved in a bar brawl on Halloween.  The story is that Mischa walked by some guy and stepped on his shoe.  He responded by throwing his drink over her.  Not at her, over her.  I'm assuming that means he missed.  Mischa then responded to that by throwing her drink in the guy's face and marched over to tell her friends what happened.  Then one of Mischa's friends "whipped" out his penis and asked the guy who threw the drink at her to step outside.  I am not sure what one event had to do with the other, but that's the report.  From what I can deduce, Mischa Barton has a penis.  

Jean Baptiste Lacroix/Getty Images

In a recent interview Jessica Simpson discussed what she is looking for in her next relationship.  She said that she loves, "…intellectual men…people that will always keep me intrigued…"  Okay.  People have been making fun of her lately for her weight, and I have kept my mouth shut because I think she looks perfectly fine and doesn't deserve that abuse.  She's not a big girl…but she isn't a smart girl.  You can't go telling someone in an interview that you need any kind of intellectual stimulation when you still think buffalo wings are made from rhinoceros.  You're just asking to be made fun of…help me out here, girl.

Maury Phillips/Getty Images

Jeremy Piven is complaining that he had to stop drinking Soya Milk because it contains too much estrogen.  He says that he started to grow "man boobs" while he was drinking large amounts of the dairy substitute.  When he Googled the problem he found that the product contains large amounts of the female hormone estrogen and was most likely causing him to burst into a B-cup.  I know he's also a big fan of sushi, so I'm launching an investigation to find out if sushi contains large amounts of the hormone "a-hole."

There's a new sex toy on the market called Count Cockula.  Don't look at me, I didn't name it.  It's made by the company who makes a product called the Fleshjack, which is basically a can with a "mouth" on the end that has some sort of fleshy material in it for guys to do exactly what you would imagine guys would do with such an item.  The Count Cockula is different because the mouth has fangs.  Good to see that the sex-toy market is keeping up with the vampire craze, but this might be taking it a little far.  I was under the impression that teeth were a no-no when it comes to certain sexual acts…at least that's what my gym teacher used to tell me.

Mark Segal/ Interview, ALASDAIR McLELLAN/ Interview

Grown women are stealing cardboard cutouts of Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner from Nordstrom.  The cutouts are being used to promote a New Moon fashion line.  A Nordstrom employee said "…we can't keep them in the store.  People keep coming in and stealing Rob and Taylor…it's usually middle-aged women."  I can't imagine that a couple of cougars shopping in a pair of high heels would be that tough to catch, especially when they're trying to run with a cardboard cutout.  The wind resistance alone should slow them down.  And how the hell does it "keep happening?"  If you see Kim Cattrall darting out of the store with a fake vampire once, you should rethink your security game plan so that it doesn't happen again.  Better yet, don't.  If things are so bad for these women that cardboard cutouts are bringing them any kind of joy, let them go off.  Nordstrom doesn't need them to sell that fashion line, those babies will sell themselves.

GirlsGoneWild.com

Florida (I know) police arrested 16 people in a Girls Gone Wild sting at a local nightclub.  Police received a tip that the Girls Gone Wild bus was in town and held a sneaky little undercover operation to bust participants.  They reportedly found men at the club encouraging women to show their boobies on film.  I don't know what kind of revelation that is, but good for them.  They also arrested some of the women for complying with the request.  I can't figure out who is more stupid in this story, the police or the people who work for Girls Gone Wild.  If you're going to do something illegal, maybe don't park a bus painted with naked women all over it in the middle of a nightclub parking lot.  Get a nice discreet minivan or something.  As for the police, if you walk into a nightclub and find a bunch of girls with their tops off, count your blessings and grab some doughnuts.

Courtesy Wet Republic

Ashlee Simpson has been written out of Melrose Place.  Producers say it was always the plan to have her character leave, but others say that her bad acting caused them to write her out of the show.  The problem is she doesn't know she sucks, so she's now focusing on her acting career rather than returning to singing.  Good news for singing, bad news for acting. An "insider" says that she's a terrible actress, "…but nobody will tell her…" I'll tell her and her sister.

Courtesy Getty Images

This Halloween, Nick Cannon will reportedly be dressing up as Ike Turner.  He wanted Mariah Carey to dress up like Tina Turner so that they could go out together as the couple, but Carey said no.  She doesn't want to "offend" Tina Turner.  Considering that she's been offending Hello Kitty for years, I'm glad she's finally taking a stance on something.   I guess Nick was really disappointed that Mariah didn't want to join him and dress up as Tina…mostly because he was going to use the costume as an excuse to slap her.  Chris Brown will also be dressing up as Ike Turner.

Playboy

The December issue of Playboy is soon to be released.  I mention this because I'm on the cover.  I'm also elsewhere in the magazine so if you were going to judge the magazine by its cover, go right ahead.  I didn't eat anything but grapefruit and turkey for a few weeks to prepare for the shoot, so feel free to compliment me if you think you see a rib sticking out.  I brought a few of the perverts that work for me along for the shoot.  They shot a "Holiday Christmas Party" scene and those guys were more than happy to hang out and look at the other women's boobs while Chuy and I worked hard on perfecting our poses.  I can't give away what you will and won't see, although some of what you won't see I have definitely given away.  Think of it as my Christmas gift to the world…even though I'm Jewish and not a big fan of the world.  Anyway, I hope you buy a copy, show it to your friends who are 18 and over, and don't ask me about airbrushing.  L'Shanah Tovah.