As we're serenaded by Death Cab for Cutie's poignant "I'll Follow You Into the Dark," we follow schlubby daddy-to-be Gary into Wal-Mart.

To back up a bit, Gary is the stud that knocked up teenaged Amber. They're shacked up in a small apartment in Indiana, hurting for money. Gary is also the guy who—shortly before Amber pops—spends $500 on a PlayStation 3. For himself.

Now Gary waddles into Wal-Mart (Save money. Live better) to drop almost $22 on a wedding ring for his special lady, meaning he may have to go without chili cheese fries for a whole day.

While men-beating-women is usually fare for the Lifetime channel, VH1's New York Goes to Work tackles the tricky topic as Tiffany "New York" Pollard finds herself in a potential smack down with one-time love interest Mr. Boston.

Not to be confused with the jaunty chap from the cocktail guide, this Mr. Boston has been jonesing for payback ever since New York dumped him on her last show, I Love New York.

Now he's primed to go to work on the chesty job seeker herself, and he's not afraid to hit her where it's gonna hurt the most. No, not her wallet.

As the saying goes, it's not the size, it's how much joy it can bring to millions of people.

Which brings us to your condensed hunk of Soup, wherein sturdy laughmaster Joel McHale offers a taste of Ghost Adventures, a show with no ghosts, little adventure and two jittery lads trying to prod spirits of long-dead slaves who apparently decide to stay that way.

If that doesn't set your mind spinning, how about a swift jolt of Brain Rush, where a guy tries to think and ride a roller coaster. At the same time!

Now that you've been teased, achieve full satisfaction tonight when a brand new Soup comes your way at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

When Grace Bowman has "incredible sex" on The Secret Life of the American Teenager, a sadistic, vengeful God will kill someone. If that's not American, what is?

The only problem is that—due to a forbidden power boff with boyfriend Jack—the person the Lord slayethed was her own father. Maybe if she'd curbed her shameful action after reaching second base, God would have let daddy off with shingles. 

Fashionable super-MILF Meredith Vieira loves to sport those foxy pants suits that all the mature, progressive women are wearing these days, so imagine her horror at the notion of appearing on Today in some kind of hideous yellow prairie shift.

Wait, you don't have to! The lady who sexys up the Roker/Lauer couch (unless your tastes run to exotic dish Ann Curry) gets all Brüno on a guest who dared to wear such rags.

You could power a Kentucky trailer park with the amount of energy Bubbles the dog expends in sport rutting on Becky, a stuffed toy that amazingly hasn't been reduced to a small, very warm pile of synthetic fur. 

Newly-divorced owner Kellie is concerned about her horny southern bitch (or is she just jealous?), enough to call in a pet shrink. Who oddly doesn't prescribe a good hard bone.  

Of the many contrived, manufactured moments on man-hopping Bachelorette Jillian Harris's exhibitionistic quest for televised love, this was not one of them.

Yet somehow, it's that much more excruciating.

On the other hand, there's something about a middle-aged white man with a giant mustache singing the blues that could bring generations of dead bluesmen back from the grave, as some kind of rabid zombie army primed to annihilate The Bachelorette and everything she stands for. Now that would make for great television. 

Plus, it'd be as real as everything else on the show. 

Sex Decoy's professional homewrecker Sandra Hope tells us on that "stinging a woman is different than stinging a man."

And by "stinging a man" she means leading some horny schnook like a Judas goat down the philandering path to marriage hell using her "attractive" daughters as human sex chum.

Ah, but with women it's tricky. Women actually think, which forces Sandra to recruit the gray matter of daughter Xanadu, who is studying to be, like, a shrink. Or some brain-type thing. When it doesn't involve boobs and Botox, it's all so confusing!

If you think Speeders is a show about people who speed, you would be correct. But that's like saying Jon & Kate Plus 8 is merely a show about a ravaged marriage and a trail of eight adorable victims.

Of course, there are many dimensions to both programs, and as Jon & Kate offers a dissection of the psycho-social struggles of the American family, Speeders offers a fat dude who farts.

So, yes. Clearly, Speeders is the superior show.

He may have been excluded from Star Trek, but William Shatner has no problem going boldly first thing in the morning, along with long-time a.m. pro Regis Philbin. Watch as clever Bill drops a big one that even Reg didn't see coming.

Girls love makeup, and effervescent, one-time Paris Hilton BFF candidate  Jonny Makeup is highlighting the rich texture of Kendra's existence.

Unfortunately, the cops don't respond to Jonny's shrill invitation to watch him work the Wilkinson stripper pole, which is located in the kitchen.

Or maybe that's an issue for the Board of Health?

Last week, top-heavy bride Levitriss' ample display of cleavage shocked her mother, but now sister Valencia's cascading chest is the weighty issue at hand.

Both hands, actually, as Levitriss is forced to scoop the gown-defying globes back into the bridesmaid's rented dress before Mr. Nipple makes an uninvited appearance at the ceremony.

This is a wedding, after all. Not the sag awards.

Check out even more video awesomeness in the Soup Blog's video gallery.